Crystal in Thailand

*deep breath* 

Every once in a while I get in a season where I need a place to write.

A place to write into a void where it doesn’t matter who or what or why I write. To breathe. To release. To express. When an old paper journal just isn’t quite sufficient.

Not a place where I am known by a clever nickname, or place to receive dozens of comments. But a place where I am just me. 

Lately has been one of those seasons. 

Tonight in particular.

So that’s what this site is for. I may write often. I may not write beyond tonight. But it’s here, if I need to. If the words in my heart are again… too much to keep inside. 

Next week (April 1) my book releases. A book that chronicles some of the darkest times of my life. Written with hope that other women will find the freedom I have found.

I don’t know what happens after it releases. But what I do know is that it will usher me into a new season of life—that over the last couple of months I’ve only begun to taste since leaving my job at the end of January.

And yet I am plagued.

Plagued by the memory of someone and a circumstance that I sincerely don’t want to follow me into this new season of life. 

It’s the memory of a woman whom I once greatly admired, a mentor who was quickly snatched from my life when her life flipped upside down. This April will mark 4 years since I last spoke to her and yet I am still deeply pained by memories. 

The Bible study I am currently doing is Beth Moore’s “Seeking a Heart Like His” about David as it relates to 1 Samuel and God calling him to do something he didn’t feel prepared for. Can anyone say timely?

During one of the lessons Beth Moore referred to people letting you down—particularly those whom we’ve given high esteem (Saul to David) and it got me thinking about my former mentor. 

The tears that welled my eyes that night revealed to me that I’ve clearly not let her go.  

I am embarking on what could be an incredible opportunity for a fresh start.

So tonight, I surrender my pain at the feet of Jesus, to bless and release what I have been holding onto: what she was in my life, what happened that removed her and the void her absence has left behind. 

In Jesus’ name. 

*exhale*